


I Miss You

by Kira_Dattei



Series: Developing Relationship Kinktober 2018 [21]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: AO3 FB Challenge, Canon Compliant, Developing Relationship, Grief/Mourning, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-21
Updated: 2018-10-21
Packaged: 2019-08-05 08:46:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16364678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kira_Dattei/pseuds/Kira_Dattei
Summary: They have a strong relationship, Shepard knows. They are good together. But there are still those times where they aren't on the same page and that's when things get rough.





	I Miss You

**Author's Note:**

> Day 21 of my Developing Relationship Kinktober.  
> This is one fic that I wrote pretty early and have been looking forward to posting.

Shepard walked into the Starboard Observation Deck and let out a frustrated sigh as he didn’t see Kaidan. He took a few more steps in so he could see around the doorway to the poker table even though Kaidan only went back there if he was hanging out with someone and he'd already accounted for literally everyone on the Normandy besides Kaidan.

He was pretty sure Kaidan was avoiding him. He hadn’t seen the biotic once that day and that just didn’t happen. He actually hadn’t seen him since lunch the day before so they were even further into the realm of “didn’t happen” but had only started getting irritated and worried about an hour ago.

He’d checked all Kaidan’s usual spots, the Major being one to float throughout the ship depending on the responsibilities he was seeing to or who he wanted to work with for a while, but had come up empty. Usually Shepard considered it beneficial that Kaidan had such a variety of skills and experience that he could be helpful to practically everyone in some manner, but right now it was definitely more of a disadvantage. At least it was for Shepard finding his fucking partner.

Resigned, he went to his last resort: “EDI, where is Kaidan?” Then he took in a deep, calming breath because he’d sounded really pissed right then and no one deserved that.

“Major Alenko has requested not to be disturbed unless it is an emergency. There is no emergency that I am aware of to go against his request,” EDI responded in her smooth voice. Usually he didn’t mind that, but he wasn’t exactly his most rational at the moment, so he just got more irritated.

“That’s because the emergency is to our engagement. It’s a personal emergency so not one you need to be aware of.” So much for the calming breaths.

“But that was the grounds for his request to not be disturbed, because of a personal matter he was seeing to. While you are both my friends, and I do not want to disappoint you, his request was made first and I gave my word I would allow him complete privacy.”

At least the anger faded a bit at that, Shepard getting curious. What personal matter did Kaidan have to deal with?

“He’s holed up in the cargo bay,” Joker’s voice announced. “I think he confiscated one of the Kodiaks from Cortez.”

Shepard looked up at the speaker off to the side of the doors a little suspiciously.

There was a short pause where Shepard was sure he heard EDI's scolding tone that was pretty much exclusively used on Joker but couldn’t make out the words. But he did hear Joker’s defense clearly. “You promised him, not me. And it’s not like its actually possible to not get found eventually when we aren’t docked. Most importantly: Shepard gets cranky when there’s trouble in their paradise. Like, unbearable cranky. I don’t want to deal with that if I don’t have to.”

Shepard really couldn’t tell if Joker was actually being a good friend in this or going for a random sabotage of their relationship. The latter not matching up with Joker’s general support of their relationship was the only thing keeping Shepard from actually getting concerned that was the case.

“Don’t worry, EDI, Kaidan will know exactly who gave him away. Privacy status is engaged on the shuttle?”

“Of course, Commander,” EDI responded after a short pause and Shepard headed straight for the elevator, doing his best to not let his thoughts wander over what could be going on for Kaidan to go to the level of seclusion he had. It didn’t even have to be a matter of dealing with classified intel coming to him because the comm room was there for that.

He stepped out of the elevator, Steve glancing over from his bench. Shepard didn’t give him a chance to strike up a conversation and simply asked, “Which one is he in?” Steve only hesitated a few seconds before indicating to the shuttle on the right. It was the one they used most often so was just a bit better equipped and connected to the comm lines.

Shepard nodded his thanks and passed by the Lieutenant and keyed in the code, then had to key in his override code as Commanding officer for it to actually open. So, only he and Chakwas with her medical override would have been able to get in.

“I’m pretty sure that qualifies as an abuse of authority,” Kaidan’s voice called from the back of the shuttle once Shepard stepped into it, the doors closing behind him and the lock re-engaging. He was completely neutral in what he said, nothing in his voice giving any of his mood or emotions away, not even to Shepard who could just about always find _something_ that told him how Kaidan was feeling. “I’m allowed to engage a lock and have it not be overridden except in case of an emergency. Hell, I figured the fact that I don’t do it often is a good enough reason for it to be respected.”

“If you’d told me you were going to be pulling a disappearing act, I might not have felt the need to find out what the fuck is going on. Nice work actually succeeding in that while we aren’t docked, by the way. Most of the crew claim the Normandy is too small to accomplish that.” Shepard was still doing a horrible job of hiding his frustration and it being Kaidan, who always got the most honest expression of his emotions, meant he was getting an even tone in return. Shepard walked toward the rear seats and sat down facing Kaidan, the Major having pulled up a few of the comm terminals. Shepard was at a bad angle to read what Kaidan was looking through, but he recognized the format of mission reports.

What mission reports meant secluding himself like this? Meant he was working on something personal?

Kaidan leaned away from the monitors and pinched at the bridge of his nose. “What do you need, Shepard?” he asked, sounding a bit exasperated now, which Shepard didn’t think was fair to him.

“Since when do we pick and choose what we’re partners about?” Shepard bit back. EDI had said it was a personal matter Kaidan was seeing to, so it hurt that he didn’t say _anything_ to Shepard. “You realize one of the main reasons I proposed to you was because you are the one person I consider my equal in absolutely everything.”

“I know and we are.”

“Then why are you holed away in one of the shuttles handling some personal issue? Why not at least tell me that something was going on?”

Kaidan shot him an irritated look.

“You’re making it sound like I’m usually good about handling personal things. I’m pretty sure my deficit in that regard has been the topic of discussion plenty of times since we’ve met.” Kaidan stood, passing by Shepard and walking a few steps away. It wasn’t like they had much room to work with and Shepard wondered if that wasn’t going to be in their favor now. Neither of them cared about being in tight places but they did prefer space when they were arguing.

But Kaidan did make a good point: he usually sucked at anything that wasn’t his job. It was one of the reasons that it wasn’t until recently that he even had anything approaching a social life.

Recalling that did help Shepard calm down as little else had succeeded in doing so far.

Kaidan let out a heavy sigh, catching Shepard’s attention and he looked over to watch Kaidan rub his hands over his face. Then he said in a low voice, “I’m sorry, John. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but I didn’t know how to put it to words. I’m still not sure what to say.”

There it was, the switch in Kaidan’s demeanor that meant he was ready for this to be them as fiancés. Even if he hadn’t used his first name, he would have recognized the change. He wanted to get closer to Kaidan, but there was still something distant about the biotic. So, he stayed where he was. “Kaid, what’s going on?”

Kaidan turned his back toward the wall that divided the cockpit from the passenger hold and leaned against it, crossing his arms in a show of continued nerves. The tense posture of his shoulders would have tipped anyone off, though, and Shepard realized Kaidan was a lot more stressed than anything. And because there was so little that genuinely stressed Kaidan out, it meant that this was something Shepard hadn't seen very often and didn't have as accurate of an idea of how to handle.

“My mom sent a message through to me yesterday.” Shepard admitted to himself that wasn’t a comforting opener. There was so little coming from Earth that was good when it came to the Alenko family, especially with the status of his dad. “She’s requested that I put through a change of status on my dad from MIA to KIA.”

“What?!” Shepard couldn’t help but exclaim as he shot to his feet, barely remembering in time that he was in the shuttle and kept from standing up into the bulkhead. “Wait, can you even do that?” It was such an…out there request that Shepard had no idea.

“If we weren’t in the exact situation we’re in, no. But with the mess of keeping track of anyone, and how the Reapers use our numbers to fortify their own, the line gets even messier. Hackett has said that if I put through for the change in status, he’ll sign off on it.”

There was a moment of irritation at hearing that Hackett knew about it and he didn’t, but Shepard was able to dismiss it.

“Will you?” Shepard had to admit he was surprised Kaidan hadn’t settled it. Sensitive subject or not, Kaidan didn’t let things hang.

“I’m figuring that out. My mom, she’s always been a very down-to-earth person. This is just her being that. The fact that it took her this long to ask me means she was holding out hope for as long as she could before reality caught up.”

“You were sure he was dead?” Shepard hadn’t gotten that impression the last time they talked about his dad’s status. But it had been many months ago. Kaidan had been so tight-lipped about it and Shepard had actually been uncomfortable about bringing it up, partially because he didn't actually have experience to pull from to try and offer comfort. He'd never remembered anything about his parents and so he had no clue of what it felt for one of them to be gone.

“I’m more of a realist than she is and I’m facing down what we’re at war with every other mission. There wasn’t a time I was convinced he was alive once word came through he was MIA.” He took in a deep breath and closed his eyes. “But I couldn’t do this without convincing myself with more than an opinion that it’s the most accurate status I can give. So, I’ve had all reports sent to me about other missions in the area he went missing and am building a timeline, using that to determine likelihood of his survival. Factoring time since he went MIA and what’s happened in the area since will give me the decision.”

“And how’s it look?” Shepard didn’t want to ask.

Kaidan’s expression went blank again and Shepard didn’t need a response. “I knew my answer when I started looking into it. I just needed to be convinced that I tried, that I gave my father a chance to be alive in my mind. I needed something to call on when I killed him.”

Shepard stepped toward Kaidan, but stopped when dark eyes opened and fixed him with a flat gaze, not welcoming at all. He hated seeing Kaidan like this but hated more that he’d been closed out. And he'd always made such a point of respecting when Kaidan wanted space that he couldn't just throw that aside now for the sole reason of it not being what he wanted.

“I needed this to be me, John. I couldn’t have your assurances that I was doing the right thing. I needed to know on my own. If I woke up crying two nights from now when in bed with you, that’s when you could help, but not now when it isn’t done.”

His anger was returning. “What did I say about picking when we’re together in something?”

“You’ve left me behind plenty of times now. You don’t have as much room to talk as you’re acting like you do.”

“This isn’t the same!” he couldn’t help but snap back, getting more frustrated.

“Why, because that’s all in the line of duty? And if I stop just accepting that?”

Kaidan was being so _frustrating_ about this. Why didn’t he get it? Duty and family weren’t the same thing. And maybe Kaidan wasn’t connecting Shepard to his parents as being family because Shepard had never met, talked, or messaged with Kaidan's parents. But to Shepard, Kaidan _was_ family. That meant Kaidan’s parents were family too. And for Shepard, who didn’t even remember his own parents, that mattered to him.

“Kaidan, would you please stop being such a stubborn asshole about this and actually talk to me!” he yelled, his voice echoing through the enclosed shuttle. It was what really made Shepard realize how closed off they were and that might actually be dangerous if they kept getting angrier.

But Kaidan just looked at him with that fucking flat expression and he was sure he hadn’t made a difference. Kaidan had closed him out, determined a boundary in their relationship and was going to hold that line like he always did.

“Fine, you want to handle this on your own, handle it. I don’t give a shit. Have EDI notify me when you’re back on normal duty rotation. Our work doesn’t stop just because you’re taking time relieving your guilty conscience.” Shepard knew he’d regret what he was saying later, but that didn’t make a difference to him now when he was just hurt.

He bet falling into orbit and dying had hurt less than this. Because he knew for sure Horizon and Mars didn’t hold a candle to this denial of his place in Kaidan’s life.

He moved toward the door and reached out for the control panel, but was shocked when he barely registered movement in his peripherals before a hand grabbed onto his wrist, then hastily let go and hovered just above his arm. Shepard looked over to Kaidan and saw the most panicked expression he’d seen on Kaidan, ever. And Kaidan was frozen, looking down at where his hand hung inches away from Shepard’s skin.

He’d actually scared Kaidan Alenko with what he’d said. He hadn’t known that was possible. Not with how Kaidan just didn’t let things phase him. Shepard relied on that collected mindset, he needed it to be a reliable voice of reason on missions.

“John, I’m sorry. I’m not handling this. Just…” Kaidan’s voice cracked with emotion and his eyes started to swim. “I’m wrong. About you right now. What I did is wrong. I’m sorry.”

Shepard only hesitated for a second of last remaining anger before he realized holding on to that would drive them apart and that was the last thing he wanted. So, he turned and rushed to wrap his arms around Kaidan’s shoulders. Kaidan returned the embrace at once, pressing his face against Shepard’s bicep as his shoulders shook a little from his intense emotions. Shepard curled one arm up to massage at Kaidan’s neck, the tension around his implant making Shepard wonder how much pain Kaidan was in. He hadn’t seen any of the usual indicators of a headache and certainly not a migraine but he didn’t put it past Kaidan to be ignoring the pain in unusual levels because of the stress.

He was working out what to say when Kaidan spoke, his voice thick with emotion. “I’m declaring my dad dead, John.” There was predominance of disbelief and Shepard figured he’d just snapped Kaidan out of his work mindset, which he’d likely been using to separate from the reality of the situation. He’d forced Kaidan to actually face the fact of what his mother had asked him to do.

And Shepard was torn in how he felt about that, what Kaidan’s mom had done. He had no idea if she’d just taken advantage of her son’s rank and position in the military and war to get her way or if she’d asked him because she ultimately knew her son well enough and asked because he _could_ actually handle it even if it was difficult.

He knew he wanted the case to be that she knew her son because Shepard  _really_ wanted to get along with her when they finally did meet.

“You know what he told me when I came home from BAaT a mess?” Kaidan suddenly said, his voice a little more controlled but Shepard wondered if that would last.

“No. What?” he replied since he didn’t figure Kaidan to be in the right frame of mind to feel nonverbals.

“He said that even the right choices have consequences. It’s probably the one piece of advice he gave me that I understood immediately. He’s the reason I joined the Alliance. Not because he was a soldier - that was actually a deterrent – but what he said, it got me thinking about what consequences I was willing to accept. I wouldn’t accept a wasted life and the Alliance was where I saw the best chances to get that. And I never wanted them to forget their mistakes. My name on the roster is a constant reminder of what happens when they half-ass biotics.” It felt like Kaidan was rambling, which was weird. But Shepard accepted the insight.

“Tell me about him, Kaid,” Shepard invited.

And Kaidan did. He told him about the man who had helped Kaidan become who he was now. Shepard at some point got them seated, going to the floor instead of the uncomfortable seats of the shuttle, holding Kaidan to his chest as the biotic sat on the floor between his legs, head leaning back against Shepard’s shoulder. They sat like that for a long time just talking in low voices.

Then Kaidan sent Hackett a message confirming he was requesting a change of status based on evidence found in a review of reports.

Once that was finished, Kaidan revealed that he'd been starting to feel the first hints of a headache when he'd received the message from his mom and had been ignoring the pain ever since and he needed to get some sleep or it would become a migraine. Shepard guessed it would be a migraine either way once Kaidan released some tension and his body caught up to what he’d just put it through.

So, the two made their way to Shepard’s cabin and Shepard instructed EDI that they were to remain on privacy mode unless the ship was crashing.

He had never been more grateful to have a crew that could see to their responsibilities without him watching over them for a day. And that it took a few days to get anywhere in space.

Right now he really needed to be a fiancé. They needed to get back on track and ensure this didn’t leave lasting damage or happen again.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a real tear-jerker for me because of the subject material of a dad's death and I wrote it close to the anniversary of my own dad's passing so there is that. I hope you really enjoyed.  
> The only guaranteed fic to come in Kinktober for these guys will be on the 31st and is another I've been looking forward to posting while knowing it would remain the last day.  
> See ya soon!


End file.
